First Blog entry for 2010

I'd thought of writing this blog few days back, but just got lazy for the number of thoughts boggling around my head.

Well, last Monday, a very flattering 1MM (second one-minute meeting) with my manager has made my week. I'll start recalling from Monday, January 18, it's due to my goldfish-like memory. Going back to my 1MM, my manager told me that I am very much appreciated in the organization, seen me as one of the brightest kid in the company and known me as a hard-working employee.

I don't know exactly what kind of emotions I should feel during that meeting; but as usual, I am very nervous seeing my manager back in a 1MM, a 30-minute meeting, which seems to be longer when you're stuck with him in the conference room.

I was just 5.5 months in the company back then, but it's as if I made it through the six months probationary period every organization practices.

Telling you honestly, I didn't even think or felt that I was on probationary, I have the regular employee's benefits, like paid VL, SL, health card, etc.

I am still in the 6 months probationary period, yet an appraisal has been given to me, but that didn't make me happier; I was happy, but just a so so. It's just that I'm being torn and placed in a very complicated decision-driven thing, my career path.

Of course, life of people won't even be good if he didn't have any implications that's always characterized negatively. Yes, I was about to quit my job, started thinking about it just few weeks after my first day at work, it's the thought that I don't belong in the group, I think.

But, what just happened? I kept my intention and prolonged producing the most regretful letter I will ever make. Supposedly, my tentative date for it was after kick-off of the project I am in; but life's really unfair that it is extended for another 4 months, Feb 1 that is.

Well, that same day after my 1MM, an opportunity arrived. I am not going to mention about it here as it is very unprofessional, but it is related with my goal of expanding my knowledge.

So that's where I got torn. To grab it or not; it would even affect my long-term goals. These things got me crazy for the whole week that I am very much vulnerable to simple things plus that I couldn't get my good sleep. The result, I was very lunatic, so imba.

Thursday, after days of restless nights, I attended a weekly meeting forced. I was busy that day, yes, busy I was. hehe. Doing a job in my fullest effort; just to have a quality product in our final release. 20:00 was the time of the meeting, yet, was still waiting since the conference room was still in use, meeting materials were not even set yet. Instead of gazing at the air, I made myself occupied for doing a task.

At nearly 20:30, this man here, part of the meeting, caught me working. But why would I make a great deal about it?

It's just that, he was shouting in the hallway, calling my title. I turned my head back, just putting some final touches on my work. He came by my side and saying me lots of things, irritative words. Wished he was gone, but on his way back to the door, he muttered something that clang a bell.

"...parang mga bata, you need not to be reminded of..."

What the?! I was doing my job professionally, but, saying that phrase addressed to me is really degrading, specially, shouting it out.

In the first place, I am not required to attend the meeting neither the next. Second, I'm maximizing the limited and short time before our project's final deployment. So in short, I was doing what I was expected to do.

But, nonetheless, I've attended the meeting, I just don't want him to say more that will worsen my stressed mind and make me burst. He tried to talk in the meeting, but I just don't care. He even tried to catch my attention, but I don't want to pretend that everything's okay. I just waited for the meeting to be adjourned and rushed back to my workstation.

He followed me at my work area and informed me that he would be a hypocrite if he tells me he'd say nothing. He informed me that I will be presenting for the next meeting, maybe he caught me not paying attention. hehe. But I answered him rudely.

"you always know the answer for that"

He let me speak what I meant, and I mean "No". But he told me that I just can't say a no. I answered back asking if where's my right then. He paused for a while and thought I was playing dirty. So he asked me why, thinking I don't have a reason for it, and I answered that he's disturbing me and he could just ask me through e-mail or a skype message. He then asked me if he did that, would I agree? But that's very stupid and told him, I might, but still a no. Then, he gave me another reason to be annoyed.

"If a girl can do it..."

That time, I was spending a lot of time answering him so I cut his argument and accused him of being a sexist without finishing his statement. Now he's totally silent. I got back to my work, putting my headphones back. The music was loud, but it didn't make me fully occupied not to hear what my seatmate asked him and his answer.

"Anong sinasabi mo?"

"I was asking him to present for next week."


Blah, blah. I really don't care; I have something more important to do than that presentation.

But that thought was just for that specific moment. After getting home, I've realized that I've been rude to him. He didn't deserve that short debate especially when he doesn't know why and how hefty that was. It was foolish. I decided to apologize the next day. I haven't slept that night too because of the thought of the fight, made my Friday lethargic.

I was ready to send him a message through Skype IM, yet he was late.

I was busy on a job when he pulled me out and asked for a few minutes of my time. He talked with me outside the office. I thought he got my point last night, but he started the talk like this.

"I shouldn't ask you this question, but may I know if you have anxiety in presenting to a number of people?"

Darn. Shameless. I fear public speaking, but not most of the time, ocassional.

I told him that it's not about the presentation, it was because I was mad at him last night. Asked me why and I refreshed him with the scenes, starting from the shouting in the hallway. He got my point, so he apologized for it, asked me to throw him a high five, but I declined, asked for a hand-shake but I have my sweaty hands so I still said I can't. Instead, we ended up in a hug.

That was one of my real-life stressful week.